In the wilderness

Currently on the book of Exodus.

It came to me that perhaps the past few years of my walk with God has been a walk in the wilderness. I reflected a lot these days about the past few years, it feels like those years are wasted and I could have done things a lot better, perhaps my current life would have been different. But, will it be what He wants me to go through? I wished I understood my flaws and weaknesses earlier and did something about it. God knew from the beginning how the children of Israel would respond.. but He still brought them through the wilderness journey. God knew how I would hide from certain issues He wants me to deal with and yet He brought me through this journey as well.

So..the paragraph above was written before the admin devotion where Pst Glordia shared the word. Interestingly, she shared about eagles and also a wilderness experience for them when they go through moulting. We do go through the time of moulting as well, I guess for us it is more like molding.

“Either you moult or die”
An eagle can choose to die or moult and increase its lifespan by 30 years, stronger and better. However this season of moulting, which lasts for about 5 months, would be the most difficult time of an eagle’s life.

As these were being shared, I thought, “wow, isn’t this what I have been pondering about” I think I am constantly in a position of making that decision “die or continue this process of moulting”. It is a difficult journey and sometimes I feel really alone and self-condemning. I realized how much I have detached myself from certain gatherings, friends and even my own feelings. This detachment I learnt from Morrie, is it a good thing? I guess there are still certain areas of my life which I have not changed in the past 27 years of my existence yet I am still walking, my life still has a value. And why? It is the grace and mercy of God that have kept me all these while.

At this rate I am going with my post, it is going to become a birthday post (it’s 16 Nov as I typed this). So yes last night at cg’s bday celebration, I didn’t know what I should say for the speech. Can’t do such spontaneous speech. As I thought about it, I felt that I should have shared part of what I have written here. Thank God for His grace all these years, He is amazing. By the world’s standard, I probably have failed badly at my job, relationships, life, even more.

Thank You for walking with me in this wilderness. And I am glad that You are the one that walked alongside with me. I think I have lost much in this journey but I have forgotten or “detached” from them. Is it still painful? I guess so, if I were to dig out the memories and think about them again, but I choose not to. Although it is a wilderness journey, it was a new journey that I could start with You.

And He said, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Then he said to Him, “If Your Presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here. For how then will it be known that Your people and I have found grace in Your sight, except You go with us? So we shall be separate, Your people and I, from all the people who are upon the face of the earth.”
Exodus 33:14‭-‬16 NKJV

Thank You for writing this story of my life, I am looking forward to the future and how it will unfold.

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Busyness

Unknowingly, another month has passed again without much update in this space. This is a particularly busy month, taking over some’s duties and also covering for others. And this week, I’ll be working the whole week, including the weekend. A little dreading it.

It has been a pretty interesting month where many things have been revealed to me- especially my weaknesses. I have held some of these weaknesses all my life and it doesn’t help me at all as I grow older and take on more responsibilities. I am still like a child in certain areas and have not matured. I am not good at building or maintaining relationships. What am I doing? Why am I still living in this mediocrity? What have I achieved these years? Then He reminded me that despite all these weaknesses, He has held me with His grace all these years.

“What’s the point of operating and living on this grace?”

“So you will never lose sight of me.”

It is a privilege to be used by the Lord, no matter what ministry you are in, no matter how high your position can be. How do we keep running this race? It is to recognize that all of these that you have-

So he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.
Zechariah 4:6 NIV

God has placed certain thoughts in my head which I think is really really huge for me. What’s next? A wave of change coming my way?

Meanwhile, stay faithful where I am. David did not become a king immediately after he’s anointed, he went back to tend the sheep.

I will, too, go back into this busyness.

Keeping in Check

This morning I felt a wave of anxiety coming into my heart. What time was it? 5? 6? I wasn’t sure but that made me more anxious because I felt my alarm was going to ring anytime. I was very tired but could not sleep with this anxiety. I tried my best to fall asleep again. I think I did, but not long.

What was this anxiety about? Work? Ministry? Or is it.. anxiety from not listening to Him? I think partly I am stressed out by the increasing workload. As boss says, it will be a steep learning curve but I should take it positively. I agree to that but perhaps last night I just felt a little overwhelmed. I believe this is a season to increase my capacity but it is going at a much faster rate I wish it would. Nevertheless, I want to embrace it. After I woke up I felt really tired. My body is tired yet it is wide awake- due to anxiety. After washing up, I took my QT notebook, wanting to search for something but I started flipping through to see all that I have written this year. There were a few times of weaknesses but with so many promises and assurance from God. Then I felt a little better and more at ease.

As I flipped through I got reminded that first quarter of the year I still did those walks in the park. I should get back to it.

Walls around my heart. I constantly struggled with my image and worth and I guess these built up the wall. I thought the walls have broken down but it seems like every thought of uncertainty and unworthiness puts a brick to it, while every affirmation from God would break it. As you may know, I fear intimacy and getting too close to people. In my relationships with people, I can always find myself reaching a “saturation point” (sorry, it’s the science student in me again). There is a maximum capacity and this capacity is smaller than most others. Probably because of the walls. Why am I writing this actually I have no idea. This is not what I intended. Haha.

Last night during LM, the word prophesied was “restoration”. I thought restoration has come but seems like it’s still in progress. But thank You, that it is taking place.

I got reminded of the Word that Esther gave me last week:

In NLT it is titled “Hope for Restoration”

Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God. With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees. Say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, and do not fear, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to save you.” And when he comes, he will open the eyes of the blind and unplug the ears of the deaf. The lame will leap like a deer, and those who cannot speak will sing for joy! Springs will gush forth in the wilderness, and streams will water the wasteland. The parched ground will become a pool, and springs of water will satisfy the thirsty land. Marsh grass and reeds and rushes will flourish where desert jackals once lived. And a great road will go through that once deserted land. It will be named the Highway of Holiness. Evil-minded people will never travel on it. It will be only for those who walk in God’s ways; fools will never walk there. Lions will not lurk along its course, nor any other ferocious beasts. There will be no other dangers. Only the redeemed will walk on it. Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return. They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness.
Isaiah 35:1‭-‬10 NLT

And also just remembered that my tag for the year is 2018restoration. The year has not ended, the process is not complete yet but restoration will come. TYJ.

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The generous soul will be made rich, And he who waters will also be watered himself.
Proverbs 11:25 NKJV

Came to me right before offering and it was shared during offering. Such a great promise and reminder.

Reminder to be generous and continue to water others, reminder that I will also be watered.

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Wow… unknowingly it’s been a month. These few days I felt a need to be more disciplined and charge up my spiritual life in the month of September. As you may have guessed, yes, I will go off social media for awhile. I have reached the “saturation” point again and it’s time to empty everything. I don’t need to depend on it and I don’t want to become dependent on it.

Last night (or early this morning) I woke up and felt this tugging feeling in my heart which brought me to tears. I am quite sure that it wasn’t from me but from Him. It was Him saying again “you don’t need to fight, you don’t need to seek attention, love will come.” This morning as I woke up, I felt even more the need to “detox” in the coming month. He reminded me again of His time. There is a time for everything and I can trust in His timeline. When I make the decision to trust, I feel so much more hope and peace. Peace crushes chaos, and I felt that peace in John 14.

I feel that I need a detox, body, soul and spirit. There is much more to expect and look forward to in the last four months of this year. Am currently thinking if I should take a leave for myself in September or October. Hmmmm.

I believe and I trust You. Your promise for me this year will come to past.

Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.
Isaiah 61:7 NLT

Choices

This week I was faced with a tough decision on whether I should forsake visitation for last minute work dinner with some VIPs. Well, I chose visitation. As I reached TBP and I walked around the basement, partly deciding what food should I grab, partly just taking a walk to calm myself down. I was still thinking if I had made the right choice.

I thought about it, counting the monetary costs, honestly it was much more worth it to go for dinner. On top of that, it is also better for my reputation at work in general. However deep in my heart, I know I made the right decision. God has never failed me when I made decisions like that. I trust in His provision in my life.

I got reminded of another incident in uni. I wanted to join the guitar ensemble because I wanted to learn a skill well and join a cca. But.. the practices are on Saturdays and for that I decided to give it up. I could have been so much better at classical guitar and made new friends… but I gave it up. As I thought about this, God told me, “I may not have made you a good classical guitar player, but I have made you a guitarist who would bring down My presence on earth.”

:’) and yet, there are times I ran away from this calling. As I picked up my guitar again recently, I am so thankful. God is so gracious and merciful to keep using me.

Still I will say, I trust You in all Your plans and provision for me.

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Last night in my room I felt God telling me this word “honesty”. It hit be, to be honest. I still struggle much about being open with my life. Sometimes I really try so hard but found myself still not completely open. At this point He is telling me “dont force it open on your own”.

And this comes again…

“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:14‭-‬16 MSG

Yes God! :/