2017

The last moments of this year I spent trying to please You. Yet the more I strummed the guitar, the more I realized how far I am from the first love I had for you. I felt frustrated that I couldn’t be like others. And as I typed this, tears came down because all You’re telling me is that this (writing/typing) is the way I’ve always found You. It’s the way I always remembered You. I can’t see visions like others, but yet I know at this moment You are here. I just know it.

I started 2017 thinking that everything is going to be good this year but it didn’t really turn out the way I expected it to be.

January- a new beginning in the new job, new faces, new challenges and new heartbreak. A month of striving and falling. From the good I experienced in December 2016, everything just start to take a turn for the worst.

February- probably the worst month. So much anxiety and stress that followed me everyday. Thank God for Serene that walked with me. And I perservered.

March- Something happened that made me decide that I couldn’t continue in the job. It wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what You wanted.

April- The end of the short journey at CC, the end of striving and the start of a painful process of healing.

May- Baby steps in healing. A month of doing nothing much, just having a lot of time for myself and with God. Watched the Shack and remembered “each time you forgive it gets easier”

June- Mount Bromo trip. Another wave of healing, from right before the trip. Why so downcast, my soul. There was a ministry session in the car with Philip, Audrey and Edwin. I couldn’t say or express much but I just wept. That “It’s okay” I have been telling others was drowned with the reality of my disappointments. During the trip, still quite downcast but I fought on. Johnny told me to go into my secret place. Soon after the trip ( and after camp), I started my Psalm-times journey.

July- Emerge, another time I wept so much. I saw in the impression how wounded and downcast I have been. Went for mission trip to Malang for a last break before starting work in Sony. Even during the trip, I remember tearing when Alister asked me about him. I know healing was taking place, but it was slow. I met Wendy on the trip, whom somehow I have been seeing in my social media or svc or emerge events before that. This is a God sent friend who walked with me and accelerated the whole healing process.

August- Psalm-times continued. Wendy inspired me to wake up early to seek God. Church also went into a season of “Coming Away” with God. How apt, how in line.

September- Many meet ups with people yet with many struggles about people. “Can I put in my 100% for a friend, is it really worth it?” These were just ringing in my head. So many insecurities and doubts.

October- Yes things were getting better, but the doubts remained. There were moments of counting down and some interviews to attend in search for a new job.

November- My favorite month as always. I felt so loved although this time, less people seem to be around. I completed Psalm-times, got back to social media. Actually not really a good thing haha soon enough I feel myself losing focus again. God is good, I didn’t just get presents but also a new job. Watched the first musical in my life. Managed to spend time with my family. So good, so blessed.

December- a month of love and joy. I never really loved the christmas season like many people. They say it’s a season of warmth and love but yet many years I didn’t experience that. But this year it was different, I was really looking forward to it. I really love my life. I really love being single and enjoying my singlehood.

All in all, I ended the year contented and happy.

Thank You for seeing me through, thank You for never giving up on me even when I really wanted to give up on myself.

2018… honestly not looking forward to becoming older but I know You have great plans in stored for me. This is a year of restoration and increase.

Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.
Isaiah 61:7 NLT

Looking forward to more of Your word, more of Your wisdom and….
More rest, more movies, more exercise. Hahaha. Okay I try.

Thank You in advance for this wonderful year ahead.

Progressing II

Healing came not in a majestic way but like a gentle whisper. Well there are still days like this where familiar sounds surround me and I wonder where you are. Actually I still do miss you but I would not initiate any contact anymore. I hope you’re better, doing well. Though it still saddens me at times to know you are going to have someone better.. I know it has all come to an end. 

Thank God for the trip that molded the condition of my heart… update soon. 🙂 

Closure

It took me awhile to finally write something here. Well I did have a draft in my phone but 90% of it is considered void.

Every season I go through allows me to learn something even more about myself. This time, it’s more of my weaknesses and how I have allowed these weakness to take control of me for so many years.

The closure with him
Well at first I thought it wouldn’t be so bad, I had quite a bit of hope I guess. Even when we talked there was nothing much. As usual, I didn’t fully convey certain things to him because honestly I still haven’t been able to be fully open to him. That was the exact thing he pointed out and I was fine with it. I agree we are really different, maybe even opposite poles. Like how penguins and polar bears will never get to interact with each other in nature. But we are not penguins and polar bears, you get what I mean. Haha. On the train ride back I asked him a questions and he almost wanted to rebuke me in it. I then realized, he never really thought of how I felt. He never really tried looking at things from my perspective, he simply want things to go in the direction of his thoughts and ideas.
“Don’t cry on me”, he said.
I tried my best to hold back the bulk of my tears until we parted. When I reached home I couldn’t stop and my eyes were so pain and swollen I couldn’t sleep. I took the suggestion of some to just block him on whatsapp (but didnt delete contact haha). And truth be told, even when I did that it was painful. The next day God was very good. He knows that I couldn’t attend to all my appointments that day so He canceled some for me and the only appointment I went for I was treated to a meal. 😀
It’s only been a week……what’s next? Will restoration ever happen?
I actually wrote him a letter to pass him that day but didn’t do that in the end though I took quite some time crafting those words. At the end of it I just felt that he wasn’t going to appreciate any of those anyway.

The closure at work
This, as I mentioned, there was peace but somehow I feel that it hasn’t ended completely. Somehow I feel there are still things to be done there. Maybe it’s because there’s something else that God wants me to accomplish there. It was difficult telling some people, in fact I still haven’t told everyone that I possibly should. Even some of my family members, I really don’t know how to say it. Need to find new sources of income and start on it..actually, maybe I shouldn’t be back for so long this time. There are amazing things that happened as a result of this closure so I guess.. it is worth it after all. For Your kingdom, for Your glory, though this might not be something that everyone can understand. Truly we can never comprehend your works from the beginning to the end.

The closure of old life
It hasn’t fully occurred but I have a strong desire to do so. I feel that I am under this chain which I have been struggling very long to break through. The inability to communicate my ideas well verbally and just living each day as it is. I feel trapped. I thought that this time my breakthrough would really come but still.. I was hit again and I retreated. I feel like I’m back to zero again and I need to work my way up again.

In this time of heartbreak, I know God is close to me. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and he gives strength to those whose spirits are crushed (Ps 34:18)
Last night I had this thought process: I got reminded of Ps 34:18 then my mind was brought to Ps 23, even when I walk through the valley of darkness His rod and His staff they comfort me. At the valley I have nothing much but my Shepherd is with me. Then this brought me to the game I just started yesterday, called survive. Haha it is pretty addictive. But it reminded me that in life we need water and warmth for survival. Spiritually, we need the Living Water, and the fire ignited by His love. With these will we keep going, out of the wilderness into our promise land (now I just thought of the Joshua bs haha). When we are injured, hurt, it is when our progress gets slowed down. We might not be able to move as fast as we did previously.

During this time of healing and starting anew, let me not lose sight of You. As you walk with me in the valley and show me the weaknesses I need to improve on..I know you will not forsake me and what You are about to give me is something even better.

The end is for a better beginning.

270217

I guess this place keeps me sane and in check. When I have time to type here I know that I’m slowing down and checking myself once again. Am I going the right way? And I doing the right thing? 

Sometimes this is just a ranting space or a place to release my emotions. I find a release through words. 

好久没有这样
其实也不再想念，但现在这个阶段好难
这次终于终于要摆脱了
复杂的情绪
无谓的胡思乱想
一切都要结束了

“不要怕，只要信”
我相信你依然会把最好的留给我

Tonight was pretty interesting. First there was a sudden overwhelming emotions… I cried a lot, and I literally cried out to God. I felt like I was fighting in my spirit, and it was so difficult. I prayed and confessed the condition of my heart..
It’s strong
It’s not broken
It’s filled with love not fear.
Moments after that I was still a little overwhelmed then all those positive confession seemed to have pushed out the darkness for tonight. Pls don’t come back again…but that said it means I need to guard my heart. It is always the good and encouraging that is difficult to let go completely…

You said to leave it to You…
Sorry I didn’t do it but I will.

Tonight is a strange sense of peace after the storm.. no anxiety, no fear..just peace. I pray this would stay with me for the rest of this week. Amen. TYJ.

Back to You

This is the first time I’m not dealing with it one-sided. It seems more difficult than before exactly because this time it’s not about myself. But I trust You Lord.. because You’ve been showing me how much You love and care for me. Whatever tears, pain, grief, I know it’s all in Your hands.. And You’re going to take care of it. 

Last night the song came to my mind again as I did my qt. It’s a song that constantly comes in my time of worship. Quite an old song, simple yet draws me close to the One. 

Lovely are Your dwelling places
Thirsty, I come after You
Jesus my joy, my reward
Your love’s restoring my soul
Now I am Yours and You are mine
And from my heart a song will rise
I love You I love You I love You
And my heart will follow wholly after You

Next two weeks let me just focus on what I really need to focus on.. Your grace is sufficient for me. 

The One who pursues

School started and it hasn’t been all smooth sailing. It isn’t just about the things that happened in school but also other things in my life. It has been emotionally tough these two weeks. But I thank God that He has been with me. This is a time I depend on Him like never before. Through so many incidents He showed His love so evidently. I just can’t express everything and His love is just beyond my comprehension.

I stopped listening to secular music and only p&w music for now…love songs of Jesus. Haha. Some days my heart was so heavy and every song seem to be a comfort or a victory for me.

Just like you, I want to get everything right this time as well.. I’ll persevere

Yesterday Jesus came into my room by giving me a vision. In that vision He was smiling at me even though others might not be. He’s saying “I’m so pleased and proud of you” and then my tears just came down, just couldn’t stop. It’s one very rare and precious moments I have with Him. In His grace, He showed it to me in this challenging time.

Then He showed me this:

1 Peter 5:2-11

“Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don’t Lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example. And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor. In the same way, you who are younger must accept the authority of the elders. And all of you, dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are. In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. All power to him forever! Amen.”

Spoke to me in so many areas.. TYJ.

2016

This is pretty much a delayed post. Usually I would have the inspiration to write this right before or after countdown. Well, I haven’t been finding time to sit down and just consolidate my thoughts. And yes, the promised travel posts still have yet to come to past. I shall not make more false promises on that. Anyway yes so 2016… it flew by so fast and yet there were so many things that took place. I went to read the post I wrote at the end of 2015 and I said that “courage” would be my word for 2016. I think it was indeed the word for it. Courage. I’ve been pretty bold in my decisions and choices. I’m not a very decisive person but I guess the courage I have this year has helped me a bit.

I’ve been bad at letting go. This year I did it, by His grace. It’s always difficult to make that decision to “unlove”. Yea that word doesn’t even exist. I told God, “I don’t want to love again at the expense of myself.” I wanted to be selfish and just focus on myself. Ok, maybe not entirely selfish, but just learn to love myself more. I don’t think I did that very well but I’ve become a lot more secure than before, knowing that it’s not always my fault when people don’t love me back. It’s not always my fault that people choose to leave my life. At this point of time…I’m faced with a similarly tough decision that requires courage. Will my love be treasured or will it be thrown away again at the end of the day? It feels surreal to have someone who would reciprocate in the same way. And yet..there’s still a barrier to overcome and a lot of faith and prayer is required. I deserve the best….as He would say to me.

This year has been exciting. Went through a period of transition from school to work, had added commitments in ministries. Faced all these with laughter, pain and tears. Was really tough at some points but I also realized how tough I am. Thank you all who have been with me through 2016, the good or the bad, even those I have lost in the midst of everything.

2017….I pray for a smooth transition into work. I can feel that this is a year of new things, new hope, new visions. I don’t really know the word for 2017 yet. It’s gonna be challenging, with a lot of getting used to. I don’t know what holds ahead…..

I’ve been revisiting on the tabernacle again…not exactly sure what God is telling me through it. I need more time in His word, in having conversations with Him but I don’t want it to happen through a crisis or challenge. I want it to be a habit, a lifestyle.

2017
-learn cooking
-write my own devotionals
-be more consistent in recording
-be in my full potential
-continue to love, forgive and trust

So I was reading my past posts and found this conversation I recorded.. (paraphrased)

“Can I don’t love people?”
“You can…but you will realize it’s not you so you will still love them”

Is love still the best choice?
If so, help me Jesus.

This year, let me be the best for You.