Uncertain

I’m not sure why I stopped writing. I used to find refuge in writing. Is it because I’m better? Is it because my attention span is becoming shorter?

I haven’t written anything in 2023 and now it is the second month of 2024. This year is a leap year, that means I should be reviewing the leap year post I wrote four years ago. As of now, I am still far from what I had envisioned myself to be.

A lot has changed in the past two years
– MPH
– Scam
– Rejections
– Grief
– Counselling
– Graduation
Many humbling moments and realisations that have supposedly made me better, but I feel a little lost.

I’m not sure why some people remained in my life while others have not. Some of these were not what I expected. I’m not sure why I had to drift away from some and become closer to others. There were times I thought it was time for me to let go, but I just can’t. Is this love or obsession? Am I supposed to learn love or detachment? I have got many questions but it seems like it’s impossible for me to answer them with my mere human knowledge. I also shouldn’t be guessing or assuming, again because I am mere human.

After so long I am still not courageous enough. Maybe it’s because I had tried to be, to get attention, to gain love. I failed terribly in those attempts and I never really want to do it again. So I try to pull back before it goes bad, I tell myself to stay in a safe distance. Sometimes I wish my looks, my personality isn’t so, so it could be easier for me. It could be easier for someone to love me.

I’m not sure how I should be in the days ahead.

Hey, what should I do?