Restart

Like how the laptop or the phone does. I realised it’s a privilege to restart and not everyone has the ability to do so.

The second half of the year was a huge wave of changes, adaptations and learning new things about myself. New country, new living environment, new friends, new knowledge, wishful thinkings, and a scam. My finances are almost down to a zero. I had to restart.

It didn’t really occur to me as a restart in the beginning. At the start of it was simply beating myself up for the mistake I have made. That thought didn’t last very long I guess, because I knew I had to deal with my pride towards the people around me, family, friends. Even with that, I didn’t think of life at this point as a reset, or a restart. It is when I realised I probably do not have the money to pay for my next semester and really needed a source of income. I went back to what I was familiar with, translation, and kinda just stayed on this path. It is like in a game, I knew there were golden coins in this path for me to collect. It is not a lot, but it is something. I had to start collecting the coins again.

Then again, isn’t life like a game? and aren’t games based on life? It makes sense.

When I thought of it as a restart, I felt hope. I am not sure how to explain this feeling. I guess I feel glad that I am able to do a restart at this age. It might mean that I am falling behind everyone else, but I feel gladness in my heart. That is not to say I am not worried about my future, but at least I have hope.

Speaking of age, it is really just a number. It does not equate to the amount of experiences we need to progress in life. If we reach a certain age and force ourselves to level up (at this point I am thinking of pokemon evolving) without the experiences and lessons we needed to comfortably survive the stage, we might suffer.

In 2020, I started this 80k Dream Project for myself. My aim of it is basically to be able to fund for my studies and cost of living in Australia. I created a folder in my laptop and for everything that is linked to achieving this goal, I save it in this folder. Of course, I never really got close to that amount. Maybe at most half of it, which have been expended in the first semester. And now, I am close to 0. The name of this project probably can change now since I survived my first semester. Anyway, I started saving new things into this folder and feel hopeful I am still on this path, and I can restart. I don’t really understand why, maybe it is because I know I am not out of the game yet.

Update on my job search, I was offered interviews for 3 jobs (out of maybe 20+ or 30+ applications, I lost count). I failed #1, passed #2 before #3. I went with job #2, which is one that fits my best case scenario among the three. Regular income + being able to continue it as I continue my studies in Australia. I’m not sure if you could imagine how thankful I am for the grace of God with all these, but I really am.

This post was not meant to be a year-end post (I started this draft beginning of Dec), but I suppose it is apt. I want to thank God and all of you who have been in this journey with me. I know that sometimes you carefully express your concerns, because you were considerate of how I might feel. I appreciate it. Even if you had chosen to be harsh, I think I will also learn to accept it. The lessons of this year were painful but precious. Even though I needed to restart, I know I am not falling behind.

Looking forward to 2023 🙂

March on

Can you imagine that it is already March?

In this year so far, I have experienced the goodness of friendship. I enjoyed (mostly) every gathering with friends and the moments we share together which may be no longer in a few months. I am thankful for friends who included me despite my (unchanging) quirks and quietness. Thankful for the friends who remember and thinks of me even when I’m far away. I should strive to be someone like that in the near future.

With regards to my plans, I know my lack of certainty (in terms of dates and timeline) bothers some people. Would you really be able to decide in my shoes? Some say I am really brave to which I am not sure how to react. I don’t think brave is the word, maybe it’s crazy. As I ponder about life in the past two years, I came to realize that I am hardly bound to anything or anyone, except for my family who also thinks the same as most people. Why leave a life of stability? It sounds crazy because I look like I am someone who is unable to unroot myself from stability, unable to leave my comfort zone (at all). It is true to a certain extent and in a way I see this plan as an escape. If you see it from this point, perhaps I am not so brave.

Deep within me, I think I am pretty crazy, I think I am stable thanks to my faith. I don’t generally feel much fear about this plan, unless occasionally when challenged by the people around me. After a while, I will be fine, just like this moment. I think I can say that up to this point, I have been on the right path.

I was really supposed to finish this post on Valentine’s day but it is getting delayed due to disruptions. And hey, it is March!

I realized how little time I may have left in this place. Much anticipation with some uncertainties…but I believe it will be fine.

你會祝福我的吧。

2021

It’s been a long time. I have neglected this space quite a bit this year. It is also something worth talking about I guess. I used to rely a lot on writing to release my emotions and certain words I can’t voice out. The good thing is less writing signifies that I do not experience that much overwhelming emotions that I find a need to translate them into words. The bad thing is I can’t find the record of what I felt in some moments.

How has this year been for you? Of course, the pandemic was still ongoing and the world was in a mess. People’s lives have changed and so has mine.

This year I was supposed to start a new journey or rather I had planned to at least leave Singapore. It did not happen as planned since Covid was persistent. Initially there were reasons that motivated me to stay but towards the middle of the year, I realized they could not outlast Covid. Hahaha. While I think of it as a joke now, it was pretty sad for me. It made me re-evaluate how I am as a person. I went through a phase of disliking myself and questioning my reason for existence. It was a long ongoing journey even from childhood but I finally faced it again this time. This time, I really wanted to be better. I really wanted to get rid of the unnecessary tears and the dark thoughts. Long story short, I managed to have a breakthrough with all the things that happened and people that spoke to me. I want to remember it, once and for all.

Yes, so as I embarked on a new journey of healing, I looked forward to the new beginning. This time, I am more certain of what I want. I made some changes to my initial plan and it looked better. I am more open to talk about my plans although I really wanted to be all low-profile until the day I depart. I guess it is not meant for me to do that.

In terms of my spiritual journey, I don’t think I have changed much, in a good way. I am still me, though much less performance-driven and am more certain of my relationship with God. Maybe some may think that I have drifted away but I have not. I just do not show what I do as much anymore. I (just) completed the bible project, hours before the year ends. I am more firm of His promises for me and know that He has the best for me. He always does. And I want to say, He also has the best plan for you.

This year, my creativity has been trying to find its outlet. I always believed that I am not creative and even my friends would agree but deep down there is a part of me that wants to create. One day in my quiet time, God reminded me that I always wanted to write lyrics. So yes, I created a new notebook in evernote and began writing lyrics (chinese). I am looking for someone who can work on melodies with me. This year, I also picked up the guitar again, started learning things which I have never attempted in my years of playing guitar. Please occasionally remind me to keep practicing.

I have also explored new things that I can work with in the future. New paths, new possibilities.

Overall, this year was a re-organization of the things/people/thoughts that I should/should not hold on to, as well as a year of uncovering my potential and creativity.

However 2021 has been, I wish for 2022 to be a brand new exciting year for you.

See you, 2022.

Stay hopeful

It’s been awhile. Somehow, it’s already halfway through February. Initially, I thought this year would be a year whereby all the ideals in my mind will be fulfilled. However, just by going through the first month, I don’t think things would happen my way. Then again, are those really what I want? What do I really want at this point?

Perhaps I should start by talking a bit more about 2020, since I usually have a post to sum up the year. I started 2020 with much hope and expectation, especially for the Switzerland trip. I am not sure when will this be able to happen with the current pandemic. I still look forward to the day I get to travel and see the world. Many things went online – work, church, meetings. There were also more excuses to not meet people (perhaps this is the point for me). Haha. I must say, I had a lot of rest and break from people. Despite that, I tried to show up for meetings/fellowship online. Sometimes, I feel that I can do without people altogether. In 2020, I continued to discover more about myself, especially the ugly sides. To say this again, I am not as good as I (you) think I am. While I have managed to restore some friendships in this year, I realised there isn’t anyone who really knows me very well. Based on my past track records, I also have not managed to keep many friends. To say I am someone who is loyal and faithful, I started to question if I really am? Or are these values just obsolete?

In 2020, I’ve told people about my plans for 2021 onwards, mainly:

1. Moving back home
2. Continuing my studies

I felt that there is nothing for me to lose, since there also isn’t anything/anyone that I must stay for. I even told some people, “I can’t wait to leave this place.”
However, 2021 so far has told me that these are not feasible at this point.
1. My family isn’t supportive of it.
2. The borders aren’t opening up.
But by God’s grace, somehow, I am not disappointed.

He also gave me a new friend, which was totally unexpected. Just as I was thinking that I simply can’t manage any friendship well, He showed me otherwise. It made things a little more bearable for me.

I don’t really understand all these but I will continue to trust and stay hopeful.

Hello 2nd half

It’s the last day of the first half. How time flies. I seem to have more uncertainty, at the same time excitement, about the future. Many ideals/possibilities played in my head. Then again, they don’t usually turn out the same in reality. I am still hopeful. At this half way mark, I am reminding myself that I should not try to make things happen.不要畫蛇添足。

The second half is crucuial in determining my 2021. Am I moving out of this transitional season? Or will I enter another phase in this season? I’m not sure, but I will remain hopeful.

I’ve been watching travelogues of people who chose to do something different at a point of their life. 我有辦法嗎?

It’s good to dream isn’t it? Which of my dreams will become a reality?

2019 (& hi 2020)

I can now officially say that I have had this blog for 10 years. Thank you for journeying with me the past 10 years mentally and spiritually. In these 10 years, people have come and go and it is quite evident from the posts. It is all part of a process isn’t it?

How was 2019 for me? (if you realized, I did not have a 2018 post)
It is a year where I saw all the ugly sides of myself. I can be such a hypocrite sometimes (yes strong word but just how I would like to describe it). It is a year where I realized how much I was always trying to fit in, and I have lost myself in the process. I am still in the process of embracing me and establishing my identity. To a certain extent, I think I have succeeded. I have been so “me” that people have taken a step back. It is awkward being around me, sometimes I am a bit to crazy to people. Other times, people also see the ugly side of me and decides to keep a distance. It’s fine. It might not always be but it is. While being me, I also found some constants in my life, people who are okay with me being me and would like to stay on in my life. Thank you for staying.

Many changes occurred though I did not feel as much emotionally. After all, when God says “let go”, I should, and have learnt to do so a lot better. The year passed by really quickly and I also aged a lot faster. Haha. It is not fantastic nor extraordinary but yet necessary. As He said, that this is a transitional season for me. It is an ‘in-between’. I do struggle when I haven’t received the breakthrough in my life and I got to stand firm with my convictions. I very much want to show people how God has been good in my life but He says “In my time”. It will be glorious.

2019 has ended and 2020 has come. In this new year, I have nothing to lose. I look forward to a new year of “Possibilities”. There is so much waiting for me ahead. May I be such a shining light for You in 2020.

(I realized this is probably the shortest year in review post, but I do feel that I have summarized it pretty well in this post.)

Also I’m gonna start categorizing my posts.